Sometimes I Wonder

I continue to be surprised at how suddenly a wave of sadness can hit me like a bus. Sometimes it’s triggered by the tiniest, seemingly insignificant, thing. Other times I don’t know where it comes from.

I wonder if other people understand – how you can be fine one second, and the next be struggling to catch your breath. I wonder if they know that the times are few and far between when I’m not in pain. I wonder if they understand the sadness of joy or the beauty of airplanes flying close to the heavens.

I wonder if they would judge me if they knew how much more I talk to my dad than I talk to God. Would they think I was crazy? A bad Christian? Tell me he can’t hear me?

The truth is, I have a hard time trusting God. I don’t want another father – not even a “better,” “more perfect” one. And He understands that. He’s continually proving His faithfulness and patience with me, and I do continue to rely on Him more and more. But it’s a slow process, and I am so very thankful for His love and patience with me.