Faithful

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. Why is that?

My initial reaction is that I've just been plain lazy. But I don't think that's completely true. It's partly true, don't get me wrong. But I don't think that laziness tells the whole story.

I think I stopped posting because I started having something to write about. My life became non-boring. And it's fine to write about your life when it IS boring. But when there's actually something there to write about, it becomes harder. There are emotions you must engage. There is pain you must admit exists. And I didn't want to do that.

Again we must ask why? Why did I not want to write about my pain? Because I didn't want to share it.

I know that my dad loved reading my blog posts. I'm pretty sure he checked every day to see if I had written a new update, long after I had stopped writing. But I also know he felt terrible that he was sick. He didn't feel bad for himself; he felt bad for us -- the ones he was leaving behind. Of course he knew we were hurting. And I'm sure on some level he was comforted to know that, for if we hadn't been hurting, could we have really loved him? Our pain assured him of our love for him.

Still, I wanted to protect him from my pain. I didn't want him to know exactly how much I was hurting. I was repeatedly told that the way to make my parents happy was to just stay in school and do well and everything would be ok. And I told myself I believed it. I shoved my feelings deep down where I didn't have to look at them, and I tried to go on with my life. I told myself I could ignore the hurt. I can't lie when I'm writing. And I didn't want to tell the truth. So I stopped writing.

In a twisted way, this seems loving. If my father had known how much pain I was in, it would have hurt him. But is our calling in life to keep others from experiencing pain? Or is our calling to be faithful?

Faithfulness. It's a word I've wrestled with for many, many months now. It's a word I'm still wrestling with. I've spoken to some of you about it, and those conversations have helped me understand better that faithfulness is what we are called to in life. Faithfulness is the only way we can experience a full life and complete healing.

To be faithful is to speak truth. And I can truly say right now that I am hurting. My wounds are very deep. I miss my father terribly. But that's ok. That's good.

Some of you may be uncomfortable with that, as most are when dealing with other people's grief. And that's ok too. But I will be faithful. I will speak truth and I will acknowledge my hurt. I don't expect all of you to want to hear it. I don't expect that you will understand. But I must write. I must tell my story. And I must do so in love. For how else can I be faithful?